Now that the holidays are winding down, the airports won’t be crowded again until the summer travel season begins around Memorial Day. Perhaps in the meantime, it might be useful for travelers to work on five general rules of air travel etiquette.
1.) Please avoid wearing attire that is generally only acceptable in private spaces. Although it may tempting to throw on something comfortable, like a velour tracksuit in the winter or a skimpy tank top in the summer, please know in doing so you look like Britney Spears on a bad day. Save those ill-fitting clothes for your doublewide, because the other passengers on your flight don’t care to see your stretch marks, your undergarments, or lack thereof.
2.) Please be aware of luggage size and placement. These are economic hard times, and not everyone can afford the exorbitant baggage fees that some airlines are charging. This does not give you license to call your two enormous bags “carry-ons,” and proceed to fill the entire overhead bin intended to provide storage space for the belongings of six passengers. If you are stingy, please note: Southwest Airlines allows passengers to check two bags free of charge, so no excuses. For those who have checked bags, it may be true that you are the absolute center of the universe, but as a courtesy to other travelers please refrain from forming a wall of baggage at the luggage carousel. It makes it difficult for other passengers to retrieve their belongings. Especially when we all know you won’t lift a finger to assist us as our bag moves just out of reach.
3.) Please attempt to contain or eliminate offensive odors. Everyone has their guilty pleasure foods. No one will begrudge someone bringing a cheeseburger and fries on board for the 5-hour flight. However, not all airline passengers enjoy the tuna melt with limburger cheese, and onions that you purchased from the shoddy sandwich cart in the corner of the terminal. Not all airline passengers enjoy when you are unable to finish that sandwich and make a serious judgment call to save the remains for later. Also, please refrain from farting in the face of passengers seated on the aisle as you attempt to grapple your excessively large carry on from the overhead bin. We know that the jet engines are loud, but they do not mask your foul stench. P.S. Wear deodorant.
4.) Please be cognizant of other passengers’ personal space. Traveling can be a stressful experience, but that does not mean we are all given a pass to be rude and pushy. When coming down the jet way to board the plane, please be aware that standing a mere 4 inches behind the person in front of you will not speed up the boarding process. It just makes your bad breath more obvious. If you have carry-on luggage with you, but you must place your belongings in an overhead bin that is not above your seat, this does not give you license to barrel through the aisle to gain access to your bag once the flight has landed. Please refrain from elbowing other passengers, especially the elderly.
5.) Please limit noise levels, especially if traveling with children. You are the most important person in the world but the people around you may prefer to sleep or listen to music, than listen to your life story. I know. It’s hard to believe. Also, traveling with children can be a challenge. No one denies that, or faults the parents if their baby starts crying. What is inexcusable is that you allow your eight or nine year old to repeatedly lower, then slam the tray table into the back of the seat in front of them, or play their handheld video game with the volume as loud as possible. Every other passenger on the flight was probably already aware that you’re an inconsiderate, self-centered asshole because you’ve ignored the four prior rules of air travel etiquette, there’s no need to advertise that you’re also a crappy parent.
